Caregiver dynamics and power struggles in recovery
If you live with and/or are in recovery from a serious mental health condition, your loved ones may end up taking on the role of caregiver. Depending on your needs, this can be as simple as your parent encouraging you to contact a therapist or more involved, like your spouse managing your medications.
Having a loved one significantly involved in your care is incredibly helpful for your recovery – but it can still have its challenges.
Changing Relationships
When someone first steps into the caregiver role for you, expect your overall relationship with them to change. It’s hard to adjust when relationship dynamics shift, and a caregiving relationship can be very different than what you’re used to. Some of what you might experience during this transition depends on the relationship you already had with your caregiver:
If your child is your caregiver – you might struggle with the reversal of parent/child roles. It can be particularly hard to accept help from someone whom you have historically been responsible for.
If your parent is your caregiver – you might struggle with them acting in a way that feels too clinical. Sometimes you just want your mom to be your mom – not your therapist. Depending on your age, you may also have a hard time transitioning from being an independent adult to being more reliant on your parent(s).
If your spouse/partner is your caregiver – you might struggle with feeling like this means you aren’t in an equal partnership anymore or worry that you’ll be “too much” for them.
Many other people can serve as caregivers, including extended family, neighbors, and other close connections. No matter whom it is, adding a caregiver dynamic to an existing relationship often changes the overall relationship and takes time to get used to.
Complex Feelings
Having a caregiver can come with a lot of intense emotions – especially when your caregiver is a family member or other loved one. Regardless of how long someone has been your caregiver, you might experience some of the following emotions about your relationship with them:
Grief
Change is hard. Even when it’s for the best, change causes some sense of loss. You may grieve your pre-diagnosis relationship with your caregiver, routines you shared, or a reputation you had with them. It can also feel like you’re losing your independence or some control over your care.
Tip: Focus on what you can control. For example, you can advocate for yourself and your opinions, set boundaries around when to talk about your care, and remind yourself of the good that comes from having extra support during your mental health recovery.
Embarrassment and Shame
In an ideal world, no one would be embarrassed to ask for help. But there’s still a lot of stigma about needing mental health support. Your mental health is personal, and needing help can feel vulnerable. It’s okay if you feel a bit embarrassed about needing care or how much your caregiver will know about your condition and treatment.
Tip: Reverse roles in your head – what if you were caring for your loved one? Would you judge them and look down on them, or would you want to support them in being as healthy as possible? Consider that they probably feel the same way about caring for you.
Guilt
It’s normal to go through times of feeling guilty about needing support from a caregiver – after all, mental health conditions are often tied up with feelings of low self-worth. You might be hesitant to accept help or feel like a burden for the help you do accept. It’s also common to feel bad because your loved ones worry about you and your well-being because you don’t want to stress them out.
Tip: Reframe your caregiver as your partner in care. Even if you have or need a caregiver, it’s your mental health. Instead of thinking of your caregiver as being in charge of your care, think of them as your teammate and equal.
Anger
Even if you’re glad you have a caregiver and have a good relationship with them, it’s normal to sometimes get mad at the situation – or your loved one. It’s also okay if you’re currently feeling mostly bitter, frustrated, or resentful. This is especially common if your caregiver is your child – this is a complicated relationship dynamic that can bring up feelings of inferiority.
Tip: Get it all out. Keeping your feelings bottled up never works – anger is often quick to bubble up and spill out. Allow yourself time to be mad and complain. You can open up to a trusted friend, write it all down in a journal, or – if you can do so calmly and kindly – share your feelings with your caregiver. Tell your caregiver if you feel like your boundaries are being crossed – remember that a good caregiver has your best interests in mind, and they need care, too.