If you’re someone young people trust, you don’t need to have all the answers. A simple check-in can be just what a young person needs to feel seen, supported, and less alone.
Signs something might be going on
Young people may be struggling if they are:
- More quiet, irritated, or emotional than usual
- Constantly tired, shut down, or mentally checked out
- Pulling away from people or activities
- Joking about giving up or disappearing
- Bringing up problems like money, safety concerns, or conflict at home/in the community
- Saying “I’m fine” while clearly stressed
- Laughing things off when they seem overwhelmed
- Struggling to focus, participate, or keep up during classes or activities
- Acting like they always have to be tough or strong
It may also be a good idea to check in if you know something has happened to them or in their circle recently.
Finding a good time to talk
The first step in starting a conversation is to choose a good time. It’s really important to make space to be together without an agenda or pressure. Young people are more likely to open up when they don’t feel embarrassed, singled out, or pressured in front of others. Conversation tends to flow best when it naturally occurs. You could try saying:
- “Hey, can you help me put this stuff away?”
- “Walk with me for a second.”
- “Got a minute before you head out?”
Make sure you’re checking in during calm moments. If there is discipline to address, try to do it separately.
- If you’re a parent or caregiver, consider bringing up mental health when doing chores, cooking, hanging out, or in the car.
- If you are a teacher, coach, mentors, or other person who works with youth, consider bring up mental health after class or practice, while walking together, or while helping set up or break down an activity.
Be aware of changes in a child/teen’s willingness to engage with you. If they are busy or having a bad day, you may want to wait until they are less preoccupied.
Starting a conversation
Small moments of care and conversation can make it easier for young people to feel safe being themselves, to ask for help, and to find something good about their day to hold onto.
Once you have a private moment, try opening with:
- “You’ve seemed a little off lately. I wanted to see if you’re okay.”
- “I’ve noticed you’ve had a lot on your mind.”
- “You don’t have to tell me everything, but I wanted to check in to see how you’re doing.”
After you’ve “broken the ice,” you can bring up other things, such as:
Observations
In a non-judgmental way, let the child/teen know that you’ve noticed things that concern you:
- They don’t seem to be hanging out or talking to their friends as much as usual
- Their schoolwork seems to be suffering. This may be indicated by slipping grades, assignments going undone, or a general lack of interest in anything school-related. Offer extra help if it’s simply trouble with the subject matter.
- Their mood seems to have “darkened.” For instance, they may be talking about death or dying, giving away belongings, or posting pictures (or other signs of interest) in dead celebrities or other morbid topics.
Screening results
If you took the parent screen at mhascreening.org and the results indicated your child/teen may be showing signs of a condition, print out the results and share them. You can also ask your child/teen to take the youth screen at mhascreening.org.
Experience
Maybe you have a mental health condition and recognize some of the symptoms you’ve struggled with in your child/teen. Perhaps you have a friend or family member who has struggled, and you have noticed similarities in your child/teen. Be sure to keep the tone of the conversation hopeful and remind your child/teen that these disorders are common and treatable.
Remember, not everyone will be ready or willing to talk. A young person may say:
- “I’m just tired.”
- “I’m fine.”
- “It’s whatever.”
- “I just need to get through this week/month/year.”
If this is the case, let them know they can reach out whenever they are ready, or that you’ll check back in another time.
How to respond if a child or teen opens up to you
If a child or teen opens up to you about their mental health – either in response to you starting a conversation or on their own – focus on listening, not fixing.
Do…
- Pause your internal dialogue. Instead of letting your mind wander or worry, actively pay attention to the person who is speaking. This is hard for everyone, but practice helps!
- Ask if they’ve thought about what they might need to get better. If they haven’t, offer to support them in listening and talking it out. If they have, support them in meeting their needs.
- Learn. If they bring you information, read it. Learn as much as possible about what the child is going through and the realities of mental health conditions.
- Normalize. Assure the child that having a mental health issue is common and that people can and do get better.
- Pay attention and explore if a child shares about bizarre thoughts or asks about strange sounds. These experiences are early warning signs of more serious mental health problems. Acting early can change the trajectory of their lives.
- Acknowledge fear, but don’t let it rule your behavior. It is important to confront stigma directly.
For parents:
- Offer to connect them with a counselor or other mental health professional, and assure your child that information will be confidential.
- Prepare to be an advocate. Finding the right mental health treatment takes time and effort. And as a parent, it’s up to you to make sure your child is getting the best care.
Don’t…
- Minimize how they are feeling or tell them, “You shouldn’t think that way.” It’s quite difficult to bring up this conversation; remember that they probably worried over it for some time before coming to you.
- Use the word “crazy.”
- Tell the child what they SHOULD do; instead, ask what they want help with.
For parents:
- Let your emotions rule your response – especially if you’re angry. Negative words (“You’re never gonna get it together, are you?”) can set someone back for a long time and add to stress and problems. It’s also not uncommon for parents to feel guilt and blame themselves. It is not your fault, but you can be part of the solution.
- Argue if you encounter resistance from your child. Go back to listening, asking open-ended questions, and repeating what they’ve said.
- Make excuses or blame others. “This is the school’s fault; they should have given you more individual attention.”
- Compare your child to their siblings. “Your brother doesn’t have these problems. Why can’t you be more like him?”
What to say
Instead of saying:
- “Just stay positive.”
- “You’ll be fine.”
- “Other people have it worse.”
- “You have to be strong for your family.”
- “You’re overreacting.”
Try saying:
- “That sounds really hard.”
- “You’ve been carrying a lot.”
- “I’m glad you told me.”
- “Anybody would have a hard time dealing with that.”
- “You don’t have to figure this out alone.”
- “I’m really glad you told me.”
- “I want to help you get more support with this.”
- “Let’s figure out next steps together.”
- “Who are the people we can lean on right now?”
What if you’re not the young person’s parent?
Ask if the young person has told their parents yet.If not, delicately try to figure out why. You may hear reasons like, “My parents have too much going on” or “They won’t believe me.” MHA’s Time to talk: Uncomfortable, but important – Guide for adolescents and teens provides more information on common concerns young people have about talking to their parents, as well as tips for talking.
Offer to help the young person start a conversation with their parents if they would like. Explain that you can provide advice and information, but only a parent or guardian can get them certain kinds of help, like a visit with a doctor or mental health professional.
Remember: It’s always important to take comments about self-harm, suicide, or wanting to disappear seriously.
If a young person talks about self-harm, suicide, or feeling unsafe, get immediate support. This may mean calling or texting 988, or following local mandated reporting policies/professional protocols.
If you suspect abuse or neglect, call the Childhelp National Abuse Hotline at 800.422.4454 to get guidance from a trained volunteer about what steps you should take.
Additional resources
Read the next article in this series: What to do, where to go
Visit the Youth Mental Health Hub: Whether you’re a teen trying to make sense of how you’re feeling, a young adult navigating the pressures of increased responsibility, a parent trying to find help for your child, or an educator aiming to bring mental health to the classroom, Mental Health America has information and resources to help you. Visit mhanational.org/youth.
