Caregiver self-check: Questions for balance and boundaries

Being a caregiver means managing a lot. You may be responsible for coordinating your loved one’s care, juggling medications and appointments, or thinking about costs and medical bills – and this is on top of having to take care of yourself. Because of this, it may be hard to find time to check in on your own self-care.

This resource is designed to help you reflect on your experiences and check in with yourself as you navigate your caregiving journey.

Am I considering my loved one’s needs?

When you’re caregiving, you want to protect your loved ones and do the best for them, but sometimes you can become overprotective without realizing it.

Here are some reflections to consider when thinking about whether you are considering your loved one’s needs:

• If appropriate, am I allowing my loved one to have autonomy in their care and including them in care decisions?
• Does my loved one feel isolated, frustrated, or upset by my decisions?
• Am I discussing care in a positive manner with doctors or other medical professionals?
• Am I sharing responsibilities with other loved ones (if appropriate), family, friends, or medical professionals?

Sometimes, your loved one’s care feels like the only thing you have control over in the unpredictable process of caregiving and recovery. But you have to remember that control is not support. Your loved one’s needs may differ from your needs or what you think is best for them. Accepting this and checking in with yourself can help you be the best caregivers you can be.

In the day-to-day of caregiving, it’s easy to get lost in taking care of loved ones, but not taking care of yourself. And not fulfilling your own needs can lead to shutting down, breaking down, and burning out.

Here are some reflections to consider when thinking about whether you are taking good care of yourself while also caring for a loved one:

• Am I taking care of my basic needs: eating, sleeping, drinking water?
• How am I feeling mentally: have I been cranky, exhausted, or irritable lately?
• Am I keeping up with my own medical appointments and personal care?
• Am I still making time to connect with friends, family, and others?
• Am I still holding space for my joy and achieving my goals?

You have to take care of yourself to take care of others. If you are solely responsible for your loved one’s care, it may feel impossible to find time for self-care. But it is possible. This article discusses tips for finding space and time for self-care.

We all want the best for our loved ones, but sometimes wanting the best can cross over into enabling. When you feel the need to do everything for them or to validate everything they do, it may be helpful to check in with yourself. In navigating a caregiving relationship, it is crucial to support your loved one in learning to do things on their own, making their own decisions, and managing their own feelings, as appropriate. Creating healthy boundaries gives your loved one space to have their own experiences and draws a clear line where your support ends, and their responsibilities begin.

Here are some reflections to consider when thinking about creating healthy boundaries as a caregiver:

• Am I doing things that my loved one can do on their own?
• Am I spending more money, time, or energy than I anticipated?
• Do I feel pressure from my loved one to prioritize their wants over their needs or health?
• Is there someone I can talk to for another perspective before making decisions?

Setting boundaries may be difficult at first, but it’s something that gets easier as you practice it. For example, a boundary may sound like: “If you do not ____, I will no longer be able to make myself available to you for ____.”  This tool can help you brainstorm what boundaries to set and think about how you want to communicate them.

Caring for someone else and still caring for yourself and your responsibilities can be exhausting. You might be experiencing a lot of worry or anxiety about how to figure everything out. Or you may feel like things are piling up, and it feels difficult to manage it all. You may even feel like there’s always something to do, but not enough time, support, people, etc., to help. Caregiving by nature is overwhelming, but if you’re feeling trapped, stuck, or lost, then it may be time to reflect and find support.

Here are some reflections to consider when thinking about whether you’re feeling overwhelmed and need support:

• Do I find myself feeling like I need a break or an escape, or am I having a difficult time being present?
• Do I feel like I have a long to-do list that is impossible to finish?
• Am I “always exhausted” even after getting a good night’s rest?
• Do I feel like there is no balance between caring for myself and caring for my loved one?
• If there was someone else who could help, would that help me feel better?

You can’t always see the way out by yourself. When you are overwhelmed, that means you need support. Reaching out to a friend or relative to step in for a bit – whether it’s a couple of hours or weeks – can help you reset and take a break. A therapist or mental health professional can also help you set a routine or schedule that helps you feel less overwhelmed. There may also be local resources, like an MHA affiliate, and/or professional services that can help.

If you or a friend are struggling with your mental health, take an anonymous, free, and private mental health test. It only takes a few minutes, and after you are finished, you will be given information about the next steps you can take based on the results.

Take a screen

If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org. You can also reach Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741.