“So, what would your dream wedding be like?”
I remember being asked this at a middle school sleepover like it was yesterday. At the time, I identified as a cisgender girl. And this was a question girls seemed to think about a lot. I listened to my friends describe their dream weddings in extreme detail, down to the shoes they’d wear and the type of flowers they’d hold.
When it was my turn to answer, my mind was blank. My wedding had never crossed my mind. As a kid, I always assumed I’d be single when I grew up. I didn’t have the language at the time to express that this was because I was queer and didn’t know any queer people who were married.
I am who I am
Fast forward almost ten years: I’m sitting in my college dorm room, shaking with anxiety.
Hiding my queerness had taken a significant toll on my mental health. I became hypervigilant about making sure no one would guess that I was queer. I was constantly taking online quizzes to help me figure out if I was gay, trans, bisexual, etc. I had completely isolated myself from all my friends because I was so distraught all the time, and I knew someone would ask why. I finally had enough and came out to my college roommate.
She was understanding and kind and told me she loved me. But like the skilled escape artist I was, I strategically came out to her minutes before my next class started. “I guess I have to go! Thanks, love you! Bye!”
This was just the start of another decade-long journey of self-acceptance, self-love, and proudly sharing my identity with the people around me. Unraveling internalized homophobia and transphobia has taken a lot of work, and I know I am not alone in this. Sixty percent of LGBTQ+ people who take a mental health test at MHAscreening.org indicate that low self-esteem and self-worth are one of the main things affecting their mental health.
LGBTQ+-friendly therapy, books, and media with LGBTQ+ representation and the acceptance of my family and friends have helped me heal the shame I once felt about being myself. But more than anything, the most healing experience has been meeting, loving, and marrying my partner.
Dating
I hadn’t had much practice with the whole dating thing. I mostly avoided dating cisgender men because I just didn’t get how to relate to them in a flirty way—it always felt so awkward. But I tried out a few queer dating apps and chatting with other queer people felt more natural. And then, I found the profile of someone with a big, bright smile who had posted a question for people to answer: “What has been your most magical moment?”
Little did I know that four years later, my most magical moment would become the day I married them!
I was so nervous for our first date that I picked flowers out of my neighbor’s front lawn to keep myself busy (but that’s between you and me). I put them in a little mason jar with some water and walked to the park where we planned to meet. From the very first hug, I felt my nervous system relax. We played basketball, drew with chalk, ate chocolate chip cookies, and talked about all the moments that led up to this one.
After many more dates, I realized this was the most compassionate, understanding person I had ever met. The more time we spent together, the more I learned to see myself as they saw me. They gave me “the space to be human,” and even through hard conversations and tough moments, they loved all of me.
The wedding I never thought I’d have
When we got married, we knew we wanted our day to reflect the uniqueness of our relationship. We wanted it to fit us—both in our personalities and in accommodating our accessibility needs.
I’ve learned that queerness is about creativity and getting the chance to think more expansively about life, and our wedding day was just that: creative and expansive.
We walked down to the center of town in our wedding attire as cars passed by, honking and cheering. I had made chalk hopscotch for us to jump on, leading up to the spot where we shared our vows. We met my family at the lake nearby, where they blew bubbles and welcomed us with open arms. My sister gave a beautiful speech about our love, and we enjoyed a cozy dinner out together. Warm, simple, wonderful, magic.
Proud of us
Now as I look at our wedding pictures, I think back on my younger self who could never have dreamed of a moment like this. It makes me wonder what else is possible for me that I never thought would be.
I often pause and think about how remarkable it is that we got here and the amount of healing and courage it took both of us. When we talk about our journey to our wedding day, I always say, “proud of us,” because I have so much pride for all we had to overcome and all the strength it took to get to where we are.
So, for anyone navigating the same journey, trying to accept all the parts of your beautiful self, I want to say, “proud of you.” You are moving closer every day to a more loving reality beyond your wildest dreams.
The views and opinions expressed in this blog belong solely to the author, and external content does not necessarily reflect the views of Mental Health America.
